NAPIER HUMOUR
Below you will find a few stories and words of wisdom learned from the many Napierians we have met.
If you have any further thoughts and additions that would please our readers then please do contact us.
A NAPIER GUIDE TO TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your tea across the workshop, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
HAMMER: (Birmingham Screwdriver)
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in the workshop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also good for Digit Removal!
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!
CIRCULAR SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
Extremeley effective for digit removal !!!
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
TWO-TON HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the object you forgot to disconnect.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make pipe too short.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the workshop while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
